What's your going rate, Douche?
Well, I was getting $10.
Okay, gigolo. Do you even know when a woman is having an orgasm?
Sure I know. It's when she says:
"Please stop. It's okay. You tried.
Now, get off me. "
I bet he doesn't even know how to give a Sneaky Castro.
Well, that depends. If she wants it regular sneaky or extra sneaky.
There is no such thing as an Extra Sneaky Castro.
Is there?
It's when you stick it in their...
It's pretty convenient, your friend killing off all the competition.
I've got my eye on you, Small-Below.
Small-Below.
I'll be right down.
Okay.
This is the woman that went out with Heinz...
...the night before he was murdered.
Don't worry about it, Sherlock Ho. I ain't gonna let you out of my sight.
Hi, you must be Lily. I'm Deuce.
Nice to meet you.
Would you like some bread?
Oh, I can't have bread.
It's makes my esophageal lining swell up...
...and could block my throat-hole.
- Excuse me for a second. - Sure.
Pardon me. I had to clear.
Yeah.
- So, what do you do? - I just got fired.
- I'm sorry. - I was a phone-sex operator.
I only lasted a week. They were jealous of me.
I heard that Heinz Hummer had a bit of a jealous streak.
I bet you're glad he's dead.
Heinz was the most gentle man I ever knew.
I miss him and his mangina.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm sorry. I can see that you really liked Heinz.
- Here, let me get that for you. - Thanks.
- Let's go. - I think I'm gonna puke.
I started smoking again when I lost my job.
If I don't find another one pretty soon, I'm gonna lose my house.
Well, we'll just have to find you a new one.
- Relax. Have some wine. - Thanks.
I don't normally drink red wine so...
I have hiccups.
- Gone down the wrong hole, I think. - Check, please.
Deuce, I can't thank you enough.
It's good for you, it's good for them. I'm just glad it worked out.
- I better get to work. - I'll be hearing from you.
Okay.
The white zone is for loading and unloading of vehicles only.
There is no parking in the white zone.
Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night.
The white zone...
I am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera.
I am here for my 12:30 ass-hair bleaching.
Okay. How blond do you wanna go?
Gwyneth.
Good choice.
Oh, hey.
I got a real Janeane Garofalo situation back there, so go for it.
So, Enzo...
...got any she-johns lined up for tonight?
Well, I did a Chili Rainbow last night so I'm exhausted.
What about you, Assapopulus?
I've got the herpes so...
What are you gonna do?
Liar!
- Mahmoud! - What's your excuse?
I just realized I'm gay.
Any of you guys want a blowjob?
I do.
Well...
Okay, then. I better go put that penis in my mouth.
You're all afraid of the Man-whore Killer.
- No. Come on. - No, we're not.
- Get down! - I don't wanna die!
You really should find a better hiding place.
Oh, you haven't heard.
- Rodrigo's been killed. - No.
Oh, my God, why? He was just having his ass hair bleached.
He got much more than that, I can assure you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy that Scotland Yard...
... has now joined the search for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson.
Thank you very much.
So how about this next one? Svetlana Revenko.
The Russian women are a little freaky down below.
Hair start in the front, don't end till it get to the back.
So if you gotta give a little mouth-to-south...
...put a clothespin on your nose.
I'll keep that in mind.
Wish me luck.
Gasov. You mind changing that to the weather channel?
It's gonna be cold tomorrow.
I have been waiting for you, Mr. Bigalow.
Aren't you afraid to work with the Man-whore Killer on the loose?
What do you know about it?
Apparently there's some maniac who's killing them all.
Some people say they deserve it. What do you think?
I think everything happens for reason.
You're probably wondering why I'm wearing this veil.
I wasn't, but if you wanna talk about it, cool.
I grew up in Chernobyl.
Chernobyl.
- What a pretty name. - My mother...
...she work in nuclear reactor when she was pregnant with me.
Instead of a nose, I was born with an appendage on my face.
A male appendage.
No shit?
I have always been a little self-conscious about it.
Well, you shouldn't. I mean...
A lot of women would love to have a guy's dick on their face.
Yours is just permanent.
You are sweet.
And very handsome for an American.
I like you.
I would love to hear some Latin music.
Well, I'll see if the penis knows any.
I mean the pianist.
The guy playing the piano.
The band has started. Aren't we lucky?
Damn, no lipstick.
- You smell nice. What is it? - It's Old Nice.
It's a knockoff of Old Spice.
I like it, but I think it makes me sneeze.
What happens when you sneeze?
Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry.
Oh, good Lord. Now is a good time to turn.
Hi.
How long are you going to be staying in Holland?
Only until I can prove my friend T.J.'s innocent.
Is there someone waiting for you back home?
It's kind of hard to explain.
Would you like to meet her?
She's here in Amsterdam?
It's my wife.
I got her right here in my duffle bag.
Kate, this is my new friend, Eva.
She passed away a couple of years ago...
...and this is all I have left of her and I...
Nice to meet you.
She was very lucky to have someone so devoted to her.
Hey, can I see you when you get off work?
Oh, you know, I'd really love to, but I'm going to be so tired.
- Bye. - Okay.
Eva. Eva.
Did you just kiss me nine times because you're OCD?
No. It's because I like you.
Excuse us, coming through.
What are they doing in there, anyway?
They're making a movie.
Cool. What kind of movie?
- I better get to work. - Okay.
In there? You work in there?
- Yeah. Well... - Hi, Eva. Great work yesterday.
- Thank you. - Eva. Eva. Listen...
...we really need you on the set. All the guys are waiting.
- All the guys? - Yeah. I can't keep them waiting.
Bye, Deuce.
I'll put your name on the list.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Back of the line, buddy.
Trust me, she's worth the wait.
It's a closed set, you can't come in.
Like hell I can't.
Get off her, you little freak!
Eva, you don't have to do this.
Hey, I agreed to one midget, not two!
Deuce?
Eva, you don't have to do this.
Do what?
- This. - What?
This.
You painted that?
I'm a scenic artist.
So that's what you do here.
Hey, little friend. I guess I owe you a big...
Stoner Steve here! Who wants to get high? Stoner Steve!
- T.J., is that you? - Quiet, you dumb prosti-dude.
I've went out with every girl on that list in Holland.
- Find the rest of those bitches. - Those women live in other countries.
Goddamn, white boy! Pack up that snatch-pole and go find the real killer!
Stoner Steve! Stoner Steve Café!
Hi.
Hey, look at that.
Look at that, right there.
Are you sure?
T.J., there you are.
The girl with the giant ears heard Heinz talking...
...about some photo in the man-whore society. We gotta get in there.
- Why aren't you in disguise? - I'm in disguise.
I'm in blackface.
- But you're black. - Yeah, but I'm disguised...
...as a different black guy.
- You look the same. - What you trying to say?
- We all look alike? - No, that's not it.
You're such a racist. I got half a mind to stop helping you save me.
Come on. Jeez, let's go.
Excuse me. This is a private club. Man-whores only.
Hey, I'm a real good man-whore. Just go ask your mama.
Still. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
That's what your mama said after I bang her.
Okay, that's it.
Go, go, go!
Hey, your mama is in here.
It's okay. I know what I'm talking about.
If you're going to stick two in there, you're gonna need a lot of lubricant.
I know what I'm talking about, huh?
Okay, I gotta go now, Ma.
Hey, this thing is locked.
Man! I only heard about this place.
This is where man-whoring all started.
Check it out. You know who this is?
He was the first guy to keep from shooting his load...
...by thinking about sports.
This guy, here? Baron Von Doggy Style.
Led a pimping expedition to the Arctic Circle.
Froze to death sixty-nining a moose.
The only thing left of him is this stick...
...which he used to bitch-slap Eskimos.
Now, this brother here, Kunta Kuntlicker.
He's the Jackie Robinson of ass-eating.
Vladmir Suckmeov.
The first man-ho in space. They were studying...
...the effects of zero gravity on the reach-around.
- Will you cut it out? - I'm sorry. This is my Graceland.
Hey. Wait a minute. Hey, check this out.
That's the blond lady with the leopard coat. This must be the killer.
So, what are you going to wear to the Man-whore Awards?
I thought I'd go with a tux and satin chaps with my ass-plug cuff link...
- You left the trophy case open again. - Whoa, papa, that wasn't me.
Deucey.
- I gotta fart. - You gotta what?
- I gotta fart. - Well, hold it.
I hear something.
I think the building is squeaking.
Maybe it's a bird.
You idiot!
- Go. - Bigalow!
Security! Stop them!
T.J.
- Move the curtain! - What the hell?
Somebody smoked a he-bitch!
- Enzo? He kill Enzo. - No, no, I didn't do it.
What is that?
That is not a dick in my hand.
Anybody got some antibacterial gel? I got burnt dick on my hand.
Eva. Eva.
- I'm in the shower. - T.J.'s been arrested.
I can't hear you! I'll be out in a minute!
In his gayest murder yet, the homosexual Man-whore Killer...
... murdered famed gigolo Enzo Giarraputo.
Our meteorologist Truus is sick today. Filling in is Henk van de Berg.
What's the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?
Like what?
I'll get that. I was a Boy Scout for almost a week.
So is your uncle home?
No. We're completely alone.
Would you like some cheese?
I'm lactose intolerant.
Why are you so jumpy?
Maybe I can help you relax.
You're shaking.
Maybe it's because I'm cold.
I can fix that.
Why don't you pour us a drink.
So I guess we're all alone, huh?
Yes.
Deuce. You're scaring me.
Eva.
Listen, everything I'm about to do is because I really care for you.
Oh, Deuce.
Now, I don't know why...
I don't know why you've done this, but I'm gonna give you everything I've got.
Deuce?
- Don't go in there. Stop! - Gaspar. Gaspar.
I know who the killer is. I know who the killer is.
I knew sooner or later someone would figure it out.
I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you.
It's Eva.
It's Eva?
You mean my niece Eva?
I know it sounds crazy...
...but I found the lipstick. The same lipstick the killer used.
Shimmer Lavender Love number 66, at your house.
And you found it in the pocket of a trench coat hanging in the closet?
Exactly. Plus, I heard her whistling the same song I heard the killer whistle.
Like:
Now, you tell me. Why would anyone but the killer...
...be whistling that specific song? The odds would be astronomical.
Maybe the song got stuck in her head...
...because she overheard the real killer whistling it.
And maybe the real killer is someone...
...very near and dear to her, though she doesn't realize.
Sure. Or maybe the Hamburglar did it and escaped with the Great Pumpkin.
Look, I understand this must be very difficult for you...
...to be out-thunk by a civilian like myself.
But we have to put our egos aside right now...
...and do what's best for Eva.
She's clearly ill and she needs our help.
You're absolutely right.
You know, the only thing I can't think of is motive.
I mean, what could she have against man-whores?
Maybe because they represent a decline of this once glorious city...
...which has become a new Sodom and Gomorrah for rich college kids...
...to smoke hash, to fornicate with Venezuelan hookers...
...or to defecate on our historic cobblestone streets.
They don't defecate on the streets.
Well, how do you know he's a tourist? I mean, he could be a local.
Where is Eva now?
She's at your house.
Good.
Do you really think you need all those weapons?
She doesn't seem that dangerous.
- You're not gonna hurt her, are you? - You can never be too careful.
- That poor guy. - What a dipshit.
Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men of Europe can breathe easy...
... safe in the knowledge that all of the continent's finest gigolos...
... are right here under one roof, all asking:
"Who is gonna walk away with the Golden Boner?"
In this car, we have Assapopulus and his date for the evening.
- Damn it. - His mother.
She's the woman that made me start into prostitution...
...made me go into prostitution. I wanted to become a doctor, but...
Uncle, you home?
What a beautiful couple, mother and man-whore.
"Man-Whore Awards"?
Please welcome your host for this evening. Johnny Vaughan.
Thank you very much. Can I just say, ladies, gentlemen, man-whores...
... a night where we celebrate guys who can get wood no matter what.
Do you know, they have gay-pride days.
- Oh, my God. - Yes.
- I'm going to kill them all. - But why?
Don't you see what's happening to our country?
But it's murder.
During the final number, when these man-whores are gathered on-stage...
...I push this little button and:
Bye-bye, gigolos.
Shouldn't be that hard to pin the crime on your good friend Deuce Bigalow.
I won't let you!
If you wanna stop me...
...it's as simple as touching this doorknob.
- Where's Eva? - Eva's gone to the Man-whore Awards.
- I'm going there too. - I'm coming with you.
Yes. Yes, you should be there too.
Now let me give you all the lowdown on T.J.
In Thailand, I got a job in a carnival sideshow, eating broken glass.
We did six shows a day. That's a lot of broken glass.
And it's all collected in the lining of my anus.
My ass is like one big, nasty cheese grater.
Here to perform his signature move, the Chili Rainbow...
...would you please welcome Assapopulus Borealis.
Deuce!
Deuce! Right here!
- Hey, Eva's right behind us. - Deuce, stop!
What are you doing? She's right back there.
- He's the killer! - What?
You're with the killer!
- I'm with the dealer? - He's the Man-whore Killer!
Eighteen-wheeler?
My uncle is the killer!
Oh! I'm with the... You're the k...
She says that I am the killer, you stupido.
But why? What did man-whores ever do to you?
What did they do to me?
All my life I dreamed of being one thing: A gigolo.
Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch.
I'll never forget that day. Never.
It was my first semester at Man-whore University.
Now, today, class...
...we shall learn how to give a lady a proper Portuguese Breakfast.
You take an egg and you crack it.
You mix them up.
Now, this is a good chance to sweet-talk the client.
- And? - And we pour that in there.
- Beautiful. Very nice, now. And... - And don't forget the Canadian bacon.
Canadian bacon. I was getting to that.
- What are you doing? - It's a penis enlarger.
Just a few pumps and it gets your thing bigger.
You mind if I give myself a few pumps?
Go nuts.
There we go. So there you have it.
Tell me. How was your Portuguese Breakfast?
Delicious.
- Elsa? - Gaspar?
They knew she was my fiancée.
And tonight I will get my revenge.
Leave it!
I'm from Canada and I'm wasted!
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
- Are you okay? - Stop! Stop!
Police business.
Come on, we gotta stop him.
Stop! Stop! Man-whore business.
Before we present the award for Man-whore of the Year...
...let's take a moment to honor those gigolos who have recently passed.
Hey, Daddy. I was looking in your underwear drawer and I found...
...this bracelet.
Holy mother of God. That's not a bracelet, boy.
That is a device that your daddy has to wear on his he...
His he...
Happy birthday, son, you got a bracelet.
Great.
Let's go. Come on.
Now the award you've all been waiting for:
The Man-whore of the Year.
Listen. Go get help. I'll get all the gigolos off the stage.
Okay. Good luck.
Excuse me.
You have to get off the stage now or you'll all be killed!
Get the hell out of here, Douche, before I have you thrown out.
- There's a bomb on the stage! - You idiot.
You're all gonna die!
I'm the Man-whore Killer. This is a bomb!
Everybody out! Everybody get out!
You gotta get out of here!
You'll die with the rest of them, Bigalow.
Those gigolos robbed me of my manhood.
I was never able to satisfy a woman. I'll see to it that they won't either.
You don't have to kill anyone, Gaspar. Because you can please a woman.
Those gigolos don't know what they're talking about.
Is he talking about us?
Do you really think all a woman wants...
...is some guy to give her a Mud Pretzel...
...or Turkish Snow Cone or an Irish Facial?
- Yes, they do, liar. - No, they don't.
A woman wants a guy who'll ask her about her day and really listen to her.
- Or at least pretend to. - Yes.
What?
When she's hurting...
...ask her how she feels.
- Cry with her. - Yeah!
These gigolos are just ripping women off!
I've never had any complaint from any of those freaks!
I faked it.
A woman doesn't care if you wear a Rolex watch...
...or have a gigantic schlong like Heinz Hummer.
This guy knows his shit.
What are you doing?
Anyone else?
If you let a woman know you care, maybe she'll give you an Irish Facial.
We will die together, man-whore.
- You don't have to do this. - They ruined my life.
- Give me the detonator. - No.
My penis exploded.
Okay, that's a tough one. I'll give you that.
But having a penis is way overrated. Trust me.
No. No.
Gaspar!
Are you okay?
We did it.
That's the grossest thing I've ever seen.
And I've seen some pretty gross things.
- In the car. - Put your head down.
I'll be seeing you again, man-whore.
Deuce, you saved the Man-whore Society.
The Golden Boner belongs to you.
Thanks. I'm... That's very...
This belongs to you too.
Hang it to the left.
You gonna eat that?
- Knock yourself out. - Thank you.
So I guess this means you're a real gigolo now.
I don't want you to treat me differently.
How much would you charge me for a kiss?
Well, the first one's always free.
- Deuce! - What?
Oh, no. No, it's...
It's just this.
Deucey!
Thank you, Jesus.
Did anybody hurt you in there?
Oh, you asking if I got ass-punked. Is that what's happening right now?
- Not if you don't wanna talk about it. - Well, turns out I'm not that attractive.
Well, you've been cleared of murder...
...but people still think you're gay. - Hey, hey, hey.
Don't tell nobody I'm not gay. Look at it:
T.J., the gay man's pimp.
I mean, I'm gonna corner the market. Check out my new bitches.
- Hello, darling. - Hi, sweetie.
Love you.
Let's get chicken and waffles. My treat.
So the first thing a brother wants out of prison is chicken and waffles?
- Oh, come on. - Get your she-cocks back to work.
Ripped by: SkyFury